


On the Flip Side

by spocksbrainzone



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbians: The Final Frontier, Pining, Slow Burn, Trauma, because Discovery is definitely not up to Starfleet regulations, fuck ash tyler, he doesn't exist except to get beaten up, oc is head engineer for a bit, okay slowish burn (i fuck on the first date so idk what is slow burn for normal ppl)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-23 09:13:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30053187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spocksbrainzone/pseuds/spocksbrainzone
Summary: In the years before Michael arrived, Thea had gotten her self together enough to function everyday. As long as she could keep herself busy then she didn't need to think: about loved ones she'd left behind; about her starving planet; about unfulfilled promises made long ago.However, the arrival of Starfleet's first mutineer threatens to unearth ghosts that are aching to haunt Thea, and she must figure out if she is strong enough to survive Michael Burnham.
Relationships: Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets, Keyla Detmer/Joann Owosekun, Michael Burnham/Original Character(s), Michael Burnham/Original Female Character
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> look ive written a handful of fics but this is my first published one.
> 
> i mostly started because as far as i am aware there is NO michael x ofc at all on this godforsaken site, (i would love to be proven wrong, pls prove me wrong) so here you go.

“Commander, may I have a word?”

Thea had ignored the door sliding open, and the sound of someone entering the room. She would not particularly like to speak to this person, and she thought she could get away with pretending to be engrossed in her work. Her project had taken too long to finish and now she was very aware that the rest of the lab had left at the end of shift, and she was alone with Michael Burnham. Thea allowed herself a glance from the wiring of the godforsaken communicator she was repairing for Stamets (What had he done to the thing? She’d been working on the circuit board for  _ hours _ ). She met Burnham’s eyes and took stock of her neutral, but pleasant expression, before turning back to the work at hand.

“I guess.” In her peripheral vision, Thea could see the Science Officer’s composed expression waver, but only for a split second. “But can you be quick? I’d like to finish this communicator some time before midnight.”  _ I don’t want to be alone with you. _

In the face of Thea’s bluntness, Michael hesitated. The light of the lab illuminated her in a way that made her look too much like Adden; not in her features, but something in her expression reminded Thea of her. The thought was quickly pushed from her mind before the grief could form coherency.

Finally Michael began. “I know that it has been a hard transition when the captain called me onto this ship. I have been working to show people that they can rely on me while I’m here.” Her tone was even and steady, as though it had been rehearsed. “I understand that you may not like me, but I feel-”

Confusion washed over Thea, and her head snapped up. “You think I don’t like you?”

Now it was Michael’s turn to look confused. She nodded.   
  
Thea rubbed her face with her hands, her elbows resting on the table in front of her. She let a sigh escape her lips. Gods, this was so frustrating. “Look, I like you perfectly fine. It’s not that I don’t like you, I just- just...”  _ I just don’t like being around you.  _ “I find you hard to work with.” There, that was at least technically true. Michael stood, rooted to the spot. Her dark eyes seemed to draw all the light in from around them, like a black hole, drawing everything in, consuming Thea.  _ Stop it. You’re being ridiculous. Inappropriate.  _ She was pulled back to reality with the sound of Michael clearing her throat. “Well… That is understandable. I am a new team member.” There was an uncomfortable pause. “I find it hard to believe that you don’t hate me.”

Gods, maybe Thea should have just lied and said that she did hate Michael. Maybe then this conversation might’ve been shorter and she could leave to catch her breathe. “I’m not a liar, Michael.”  _ I don’t hate you. I just leave the room anytime you enter, try not to talk to you, and go over your head to make sure we aren’t working on any assignments that might need us to be alone together. _

Michael’s eyebrows shot up. “I’m not saying you are. I’m saying that your behaviour contradicts the supposedly factual claim you have made.” No, she almost sounded like Adden now. This is the exact kind of bold tone she would have used if this had been her.  _ But it’s not her. _ Thea’s stomach knotted and she swayed slightly, gripping onto the table with both hands, knuckles white. There was movement and a steadying hand on her upper arm, and Michael was right there and all too close. “I think you need to sit down. Are you okay?”   
  
Thea shrugged off Michael’s hand, taking a quick step away as though she had been administered an electric shock. “I- I don’t feel well. It’s been a long day. Can I- Can we finish this tomorrow please?”

The Science Officer watched Thea, surprised at her reaction. She was shaking slightly, and she did look sick, a green flush had coloured the cheeks of the Yuridian. Michael straightened up, clasping her arms behind her back.

“Fine.” She felt a little burned from the interaction, but you couldn’t tell on her face, the only indication being the tightness of her tone. “Come see me first thing tomorrow morning.” Perhaps going the ‘friend route’ as Tilly had suggested wasn’t going to work for Commander Xaharea. Maybe they needed a purely professional relationship, in which case, Michael could do that. Thea nodded and walked quickly from the room, the door sliding shut behind her.

Michael waited a few moments to give the engineer the headstart she so clearly desired and then made her way back to her own quarters.

*

Thea had been dreading this. After her interaction with Michael the night before, she had struggled to sleep, and when she had finally drifted off the nightmares plagued her. They had gotten so much worse when Michael had joined the crew. Before she could go weeks without one, but now she was lucky to find a night of restful sleep.

She dragged herself out of bed early, and completed her morning ritual of drinking coffee from the small replicator in her room. Thea was often awake much earlier than needed for her shift, because the nightmares made it incredibly hard to sleep consistently, and thus she usually spent that time drinking her coffee slowly, even after it had gone cold. She almost preferred it that way, because then the smell wasn’t as strong, and didn’t remind her of  _ that morning _ .

Thea counted her lucky stars for her biological advantage. So few humanoid species could survive with such little sleep. Yuridians like herself had the unique ability to adapt to situations constantly, even down to their genetics. This is what allowed her to continue to function in her everyday life despite the erratic sleep schedule. It meant she had to eat  _ a lot  _ though. When a Yuridian evolved in any way that wasn’t natural to them, it caused them to burn through calories like it was nothing. Usually, this trait was employed by indentured slaves on her home planet to work in harsh environments, like the dilithium mines where water was scarce, but it was hard on the body. Needing so much food meant that the Dhehlix could exploit the masses by controlling how food was distributed. It had been a new eve the day Thea had joined Starfleet. The replicators meant that she  _ always  _ had food, and thus could work as hard as she liked and be in total control of her body. It was a kind of security that had made her feel safe on board the Discovery.

Thea unconsciously rubbed her arm where Michael had supported her the night before. She’d hated how close they’d been. Mostly because it made her feel guilty, and this emotion clouded the nightmares and made them  _ so much worse.  _ Culber had been working tirelessly on a sleeping pill, but between her fast metabolism, and her constantly heightened adrenaline and cortisol levels, regular medicine didn’t cut it. He’d promised he’d figure out something to help her though, and she believed him. Hugh was her closest friend aboard this ship. Thea knew she could trust him.

A beep from the computer signalled that her shift was to start in 45 minutes. She pulled herself out of her chair and into the bathroom. Stripping naked, she examined herself in the large mirror. Her  _ ta’hor  _ line, a dark green stripe five inches wide wound up her bellybutton, between her breasts, splitting over her collar bone. One piece travelled over each of her shoulders and down where they touched at the small of her back and broke away again, sliding down the backs of her thighs, calves and heels, stopping at her feet, the bottoms of which were the same dark colour. The smooth skin of the line was disrupted only by the pink of her scar, stretching from her left hip to the centre of her core. Her  _ ta’hor  _ line contrasted with the peach of her skin sharply, a memento for what she had left behind. Opening a drawer, Thea pulled out a hairband and pulled her short ebony bob into a low ponytail. She looked at her eyes in the mirror. Her black iris were deep and dark, with no distinction from the pupils. The vast majority of her kind had these eyes, and the commonness of them had always made her think that they were ugly. It was something Adden had told her she loved. They were so different from her eyes and the eyes of the people she had grown up with. Thea had never learned to appreciate them until she left Yure VII, and when she saw how rare her eyes really were.

Stepping into the shower, Thea turned the water on. She liked her showers unusually hot. The heat always relaxed her muscles and warmed her in a way that reminded her of the heat of her home planet. She needed all of the small comforts she could get, if she was going to deal with having to report to Michael Burnham.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate exposition more than anyone i s2g but it needs to be done. it is so hard to make up your own alien species. now i know why star trek writers are always gluing on a funny nose and forehead and calling it a day


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna write some oneshots for practice. if you have any suggestions, you can find me on @spocksbrainzone on tumblr xx

“Ah, Commander, are you feeling better?” Burnham had a gentle expression of concern on her face.

Thea cleared her throat, “Yeah, much better.” She did not want to be here at all.

“Excellent,” Michael stood incredibly straight. Thea had never seen a human stand so rigidly, but Michael was always standing like that, like it was her default posture.  _ Like no one had ever taught her to relax. _ Gods, her muscles must be so tense, the idea of giving her a massage seemed so tempting, running her hands over smooth skin.  _ What is wrong with you? _

Now the niceties were out of the way, Michael fell neatly into her role as a professional colleague. “As I said last night, I’m concerned that you don’t like me. You don’t have to reassure me that you do, it’s not necessary. I however am worried that our inability to work together is impacting the ship.”

Thea hated to, but she had to agree. “Yes. I have noticed that it’s becoming a problem.”

Michael nodded. “You’ve stated before that you find it hard to work with me. Is there anything I can do to mitigate this problem?”  _ You could not be you. You could remind me of literally anyone else, but you remind me of her. _

“Realistically, no. There is nothing you can do. I just need to get over myself.” Perhaps the first time Thea had been really honest with herself.

Michael considered this, and appeared to be thinking about something as the chirp of the intercom filled the silent air of the small conference room.   
  
“Bridge to Xaharea.” Saved by the bell. Captain Lorca’s voice sounded tense, like something had annoyed him. It wasn’t unusual, something was always annoying him.

“Xaharea here, what can I do for you, captain?” Thea was looking anywhere but at Michael.

Lorca grumbled something in the background and then spoke again. “One of the access ways onto the bridge has been compromised. No one can get in or out of the West Wing, go take a look at it.”   
  
Thea rose, happy to have an excuse to get out of here. “My pleasure.”

“Try checking under the second hardware panel. We were having issues yesterday and we checked the first, but by the time we were done looking there, the problem had resolved itself.” Michael spoke up. She was trying to help, but the attempt at assistance got under Thea’s skin.

“Why was I not informed we were having technical problems yesterday?” Thea asked, her tone scathing.

Michael arched an eyebrow. “I do not know w-”.

Lorca interrupted. “Burnham is that you?”   
  
“Yes, captain.” Michael replied.

“You go too, I’ve heard this is a multiple person job.” Fifty years. Fifty years she’d been in Starfleet, but this was the first time she had felt the desire to reach through the communicator and strangle her commanding officer. She restrained herself as best she could, but her annoyance leaked out, radiating from her core. So much for the life saving call.

“Yes, sir.” Michael’s voice was tight.

*

Thea wished Michael had been wrong. After they had made their way to the West Wing’s control room, she had checked under the first hardware panel, and confirmed that indeed the problem was not there. When the first panel diagnostic had come back clear, Michael had almost snorted in frustration. Almost.

Against the odds, the problem also wasn’t with the secondary hardware panel. This meant Thea would need to go into the wall’s Jefferies tube to search for the problem. At least then she could get away from Michael. Thea pressed the released hatch, and a section of wall slid behind the other, revealing a tunnel with metal rungs for a ladder. She fastened her tool belt around her waist and climbed up, while Michael waited at the bottom in case there were other tools she needed passed up to her. At the top there was a place to stand, twice as big as the tube, but that wasn’t saying much. Thea pulled an electric screwdriver out and managed to detach the overhead panel. Once removed, she leaned it against the wall and examined the motherboard.

“Ah, I see the problem.” The Yuridian muttered to herself. “This hatch is a fucking mess.”

Thea called Michael’s name down the tunnel. After a response, she asked, “can you pass me up a stem bolt or two?”

The sound of the toolbox being opened echoed up to the room where Thea waited.

“Got it.”

Thea had to get down on her belly and reach her arm down to get it. Her fingers brushed Michael’s as she wrapped her hand around the bolts. Once she had a good grip she retracted her hand, and pulled herself back to her feet. Thea leaned her back against the wall. She could still feel the imprint of Michael’s warmth on her fingertips. Opening her palm, she found three bolts, one more than she had asked for.  _ Overachiever,  _ thought Thea.

She replaced the busted bolts, pocketing the spare and then reached up to grab at a wire, but found she was too short to do so securely. Thea tried several times and when she couldn’t do it on her own, she inwardly groaned. Michael was slightly taller than her, and could probably hold it, but that would require her to come up here and the space was small enough as it is. She tried once more to no avail and conceded defeat, cursing the wire in her mind.

“Uh, Michael. I need some help. Could you come up?” Thea thanked the gods her voice was steady.   
  
“Of course.” Replied Michael, who was pulling herself up into the hatch only moments later. Thea forced herself to extend her hand to help, an offer which was readily accepted. Michael stood up, and the space was filled by the science officer. There was just enough room that facing each other, backs against the opposite walls, there was maybe two inches of empty air between them.

“Grab that wire, please.” Thea said quietly, pointing at the offender.

Michael reached up and grasped it easily. She was so close. She smelled like incense and… pomegranate? Had she eaten that for breakfast? Thea had to force herself not to stare. She reached up and corrected it, and since Michael was already up, she allowed her to assist by holding various others while she tinkered.

“So…” Michael attempted to strike up a conversation. “Do you hate me because I have been assigned a role you wanted when Lorca brought me on as a science officer?” Thea froze momentarily, an awkward fog swirling through her brain. When she didn’t answer, Michael continued. “It’s the only possibility I can come up with for your obvious dislike for me.”

Thea was taken off guard and hesitated, her eyes briefly meeting the soft warm brown of Michael’s. She took a deep breath, and forced herself to form words. “Gods no. I don’t need any more responsibility. Being Chief of Engineering takes enough out of me. I’m not even an engineer.” She decided not to address the assumption of her feelings towards Michael.

“Wait, you’re not an engineer?” Michael sounded surprised. Thea was just as surprised she didn’t know this already.

“I’m a microbiologist. I have advanced engineering experience, but I’m certainly not an engineer. It’s too frustrating. Pisses me off.” She hissed as a crate moved catching the tip of her finger, as if proving her point. Thea pulled the glove off with her mouth, and then threw it down the chute, sucking the finger between her lips. When she looked up she thought she saw Michael briefly staring at her mouth, but she dismissed it.   
  
“Then why are you working as an engineer?” Michael asked, an inquisitive tone in her voice. The tone reminded Thea of someone else, but she told the thought to fuck off. Now was not the time.

“The last Chief of Engineering transferred, and the role needed to be filled. Lorca asked me to do it temporarily, but I’ve just kind of been absorbed into the position.” She strained as she tightened up a loose screw.

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re clearly very capable, but why wasn’t one of the actual engineers enlisted to do it?” Thea’s tummy fluttered with the compliment, but she ignored it. 

“At the time, most of the trained engineers were useless. To be honest, most of them still are, which is why we get problems like  _ this _ .” She said, gesturing around them to the mess of wires. “And at the risk of seeming  _ boastful _ , even without official qualifications, I am the best equipped to lead the department.”

In the low lighting, she thought she saw Michael smile. “Well, it’s not quite regulation standard, but I won’t contest it. Having met the engineering department… I am inclined to agree with you.” Thea’s eyes met Michael’s again, but she said nothing in response, her heart pacing faster at the concession. Neither of them needed to address that the way  _ Discovery  _ ran was far from the regulation standard.

After a few minutes, Michael spoke again. “Do you miss microbiology?”

“At times like this, yes. You can drop that, by the way.” Thea directed softly. “Engineering was a nice break for a while, but it’s not where my passions lie.”

She reached up to grab a side panel, but found that the last person had not replaced the clip properly and it swung down too fast. Thea lost her balance. Her left foot went over the edge of the hatch, and for a second she was falling. Strong arms wrapped around her middle and yanked her away from the edge and she crashed against Michael and into the back wall. The echo of her screwdriver clattering on the ground below was very loud, despite the blood pumping in Thea’s ears. For a moment they leaned against each other, both speechless and breathing heavily. She was going to kill whoever had worked up here last. 

Finally, Thea collected herself enough to move away, and took a tentative step backwards, resuming her earlier position. Michael’s hands lingered just a fraction longer than she expected, sliding down to the small of her back and round her waist as they untangled.   
  
“Thank you, Michael.” Said Thea after a deep breath.   
  
“No problem. Might want to have a word with the other engineers about putting things back properly.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna wring their necks.” She was half-joking, but if she’d been alone… It was a good thing Michael had been there.

Thea finished up and the sound of the West Wing entrance door sliding open and the chatter of people being able to move through to do their work was music to her ears. She slid the panel back, and used the extra bolt Michael had given her to secure the clip. They both exited the hatch, tidying as they went. Down the bottom, she helped Michael out and shut the tunnel.

The beep of the computer sounded overhead. “ _ The captain thanks you for your work, team.”  _ Only a few seconds later an order came through for Michael to report to the bridge. Never a quiet moment.

Michael looked at her, eyebrows raised and a smile on her lips. “Lorca didn’t seem like the grateful type. Anyway, I guess you can’t hate me now, not that you owe me your life.” The cheek woven through her rich voice was enough to put a gracious smirk on Thea’s face.

“I never hated you.” She called after her, but Michael was already backing towards the exit, hands raised in humorous apology before disappearing.

_ I never hated you. It’s not your fault that you remind me of my dead wife. _


	3. Chapter 3

_ Adden was here.  _ She was sitting across the desk from Thea sketching out a diagram, some equations neatly running parallel to the drawing. Her short golden hair caught the morning light streaming through the window as she looked up at Thea, purple eyes filled with warmth behind metal-rimmed spectacles.

She sniffed the air. “Ah, coffee is ready!” The smell wafted around them, coming from the adjacent room. It curled up Thea’s nose, and she could almost feel her body waking up already, expecting the caffeine.

_ Don’t go in there.  _ “Can you please go get it?” Thea could not stop the words from coming out of her mouth. She had tried many times.

“I got it last time!” Adden said, amusement colouring her voice.

“Please,” Thea whined, stressing the syllable. “I’m in the middle of something. I’ll get it next time.”  _ There never was a next time. _

“Fine.” Adden replied with an over dramatic sigh, and rose from the desk, pushing herself up with her hands. “You’re lucky I love you.”  _ I am. I am so lucky. _

She was so beautiful. Gods, she was so beautiful. Adden flashed Thea a grin and pushed her glasses back up her nose with a delicate finger.  _ Don’t go. _

“Thank you! You’re an angel.” Thea felt fear pierce through the calm warmth of the morning, anticipating what was about to happen.

_ Don’t.  _

Adden crossed the room, the door to the kitchen sliding open as she stood in front of the sensor.

_ Don’t go. _

The door slid shut behind her, and then the room exploded. As it always did.

Thea flew backwards into the wall, smashing her head. The room decimated, a small fire burning in the opposite corner. She coughed as the dust and debris filled her lungs, and looked down at where the large shard of glass had sliced into her abdomen. All she could feel was the warmth of her lap as dark blood began to fill it, no pain. She slid down into a fetal position, and tears wet her face. This part was always so overwhelming, even though she now knew exactly what had happened. It was as though the emotion she had felt at the time was too strong for her mind to let go of.

Thea heard Adden scream her name, felt her hands on her face. “Oh gods.  _ Oh gods Xanthea. _ ”

Adden didn’t have a scratch on her. The explosion had been localised to the room and hadn’t made it to the kitchen. Thea watched as her wife, her love, her muse, her  _ ta’hor  _ began to examine her wounds in a panic. “You’re going to be okay. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” In that moment Thea didn’t know if Adden was trying to convince her, or convince herself.

Neither of them noticed the two dark figures enter the room, until they were next to them.

_ Please don’t go. _

The flash lit the space as one of them fired a bolt into Adden’s head, and she collapsed on the floor next to her, her blood spraying onto Thea’s face. This was too much. She didn’t understand. What was happening, what was going on? She could vaguely hear the figures talking through the ringing in her ears. Something about there being no point in killing her too, she would die from her wounds.

Then they were gone, and Thea woke up screaming.

*

She quelled the scream quickly, gasping for breath as she threw her covers off, hands moving automatically to the scar where the glass had entered her body. When the healers had brought her into the hospital barely alive after the explosion, they had needed to fix up the wound there and then move straight onto the burns on her legs and arms. They had managed to save her, and the burns had left no scars when they healed, but the glass had been too deep and cut her too badly to be fixed with a dermal regenerator. The scar tissue from the lesion wrapped from the outside of her hip to her belly button, disturbing the  _ ta’hor  _ line, the shiny pink reminder of what she had lost. She was almost glad for the scar. It kept her grounded. It meant she could tell dreams from reality.

When her heart had finally slowed enough for Thea to calm her mind, she got out of bed and went to wash her face in the ensuite sink. Gods, she was so lucky she didn’t have a roommate. Her nightmares were such a burden to her, she couldn’t bear the thought of her pain affecting someone else.   
  
“Computer, what is the time?” 

“ _ 0500 hours, commander.”  _ Dammit, her shift didn’t start for three hours. There was no point in going back to sleep now. Culber was working the night shift, wasn’t he? Maybe she’d pay him a visit, and see if he’d had any luck coming up with sleeping meds that would work for her.

*

Thea strode into medbay, a hot cup of coffee in her hand for her friend. Hugh accepted it, quickly taking a deep swig. He looked tired, more so than usual when he was doing night shift. “You are a lifesaver.”

Thea smiled warmly, sinking into a chair next to him. “Nightmares again?” The question was gentle, sympathetic. 

Thea nodded. Hugh reached a smooth hand out to pat her arm softly. The last few weeks had been particularly tough, and she’d made a habit of coming to join Hugh when he was working nights and she was awake much too early.

“That’s life.” She said morosely. “How are you doing though? I heard about Paul.”   
  
Hugh snorted. “I love that man to Romulus and back, but he’s such a dumbass! I mean, I appreciate his commitment to science and to this ship, but  _ come on!  _ He injects himself with foreign-space-tardigrade-DNA, without consulting his  _ husband  _ and his  _ doctor?  _ Does he have a death wish?” The doctor in question clapped his hand to his forehead in frustration.   
  
“If it is any consolation, he allowed me to check the DNA  _ after _ he injected it. I’ve run some tests post-inoculation and I will continue to monitor him from my end.” It was Thea’s turn to comfort Hugh.

“It is.” Hugh sighed. “I’m grateful. I just… I know that this is important to him. We’re not fighting about it or anything, it’s just… It’s always going to be like this for me, isn’t it.”

Thea’s expression carried compassion. “I feel an… affinity to your struggle. I remember what it’s like to be married to a mad scientist.”

“I shouldn’t complain.” Hugh uttered, his eyes meeting Thea’s.

She chuckled. “Complain all you want. Paul is an idiot sometimes.”

“You’re telling me.” He groaned.

“The single silver lining - apart from saving the ship from certain death, and making huge leaps forwards for Starfleet and the field of mycology - is that this gives me an excuse to focus on microbiology for once. Finally my PhD can be put to use.” They both laughed in unison, and the energy in the medbay lightened considerably.

Hugh was the only person here that she could talk to about Adden. The first night she’d had a nightmare here, she stumbled through the ship without thought, desperate to get away from the suffocating energy of her room, and found herself in the medbay. Hugh had seen the pain on her face, and held her while she cried. He had said nothing, because there weren't any words that would ease her suffering, and when she was finished she apologised profusely to him, but Hugh had assured her it wasn’t necessary. A week later, Thea had the same nightmare, and sought the doctor again. This time she told him the full story. How she had met Adden at the Yuridian Institute, of how they’d been United, and the events leading to her traumatic death, and Hugh had just listened. That was it. He listened and when she was choked by emotion, he’d squeezed her hand and told her to breathe. The beauty of sharing your problems with people that cared about you was so  _ human.  _ It was a comfort that she had no previous experience with. From then on, Hugh had checked on her periodically, grabbing lunch together if their breaks aligned or meeting up after shift for a drink with Stamets. Thea had supposed that this was human friendship, and now she was eternally indebted to Hugh Culber.

“I’ve been working on your sleeping problem.” Said the doctor, breaking the comfortable contemplative silence. “I think I’m fairly close to a breakthrough, I’m just having trouble binding the drug to your blood cells. I can send it through to you sometime today if you think you might be able to figure something out?”

“Now who’s the lifesaver?” Thea rose from her seat realising the time. “I should go, my shift starts in thirty minutes and I haven’t had breakfast.”

“Before you go, Thea, I wanted to ask you something.” Hugh waited for an approving nod before continuing. “Your genetics allow you to evolve to face any hardship. Why would you want to sleep? Even before your nightmares became more frequent… Why risk having them at all?”

  
Brushing a loose strand of dark hair from her eyes, she straightened her uniform. “I have considered that… Just never sleeping again, but… it’s bad for the soul. Even back home, that kind of evolution would be considered extreme. I’m not certain my mental health could survive the months- or years- it would take to cement that kind of evolution. Besides, do you know how much work Lorca would assign me if I didn’t have to sleep?” She laughed and called over her shoulder as she made her way out the door. “He’d have me working alpha  _ and  _ beta shifts!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love angst


	4. Chapter 4

The following week had been a blur. ‘Time-to-yourself’ was nothing more than a sweet fantasy since Lorca had been in a foul mood and working the crew to the bone, which had resulted in Thea working overtime more often than not. Results from each of the tests she’d conducted on Stamets and the tardigrade DNA were flowing in, but they were… Interesting. She couldn’t recognise a third of the genetic markers, and it was  _ incredibly  _ frustrating. It turned out that graduating top of her class and honing her skills at some of Earth’s finest universities, working with some of the greatest minds in the Federation, meant nothing when it came to studying giant xenological animals. At this point all that was fuelling her research was pure spite. Sylvia Tilly had been a surprising source of help, despite her painfully cheery attitude, and had even managed to convince the sullen Yuridian to smile on more than one occasion.

Hugh had indeed made a near-breakthrough with her sleeping medication, and she’d been looking over his formula, but it proved just another problem she couldn’t solve. She felt useless. Thea suspected that their attempts at adapting human-medicine to her unique physiology was just a dead end, but she knew that she had to exhaust every dead end. Creating a whole new medicine would end up being more energy she just didn’t have. This stubbornness had resulted in many late nights at the lab, and chaotic days running around the ship putting out engineering emergencies.

Any moment she had to breathe she was eating high calorie protein bars. Thea was exhausted. Sure, she could get away with limiting her sleep dramatically, but she still  _ needed  _ sleep. With the nightmares and her work schedule, she was lucky to get two hours a night uninterrupted. Lorca, who had a passing awareness of her situation, had suggested that they attempt to contact Yure VII and see if they could send over any of the medications they had already developed, but Thea had shot the idea down. She had reservations about whether the Federation could keep her safe, but each day that dawned after sleepless nights left her increasingly more desperate. 

Two minutes, that was all she had between assignments, and Thea used it to rush into the commissary to grab another protein bar. Speed walking towards the sensor, the door slid open and she was greeted with the sight of Michael, sitting at a table with two others, Tilly and a stranger. She and the science officer made eye contact and she glimpsed the small smile of greeting on Michael’s face. She returned the expression, but her stomach knotted and she was quick to turn her back and face the food replicator. Another flavourless creation appeared before her eyes, and she began downing it as fast as she could. With her tummy twisting uncomfortably it seemed  _ exceptionally  _ dry and tasteless, but she was thankful to be able to fuel her body. It would have been easy enough to ask the computer to add more flavour, but sometimes it felt like an insult to have such easy access to food when her people starved on her home planet.

The sound of a commotion erupted behind Thea, and she turned just in time to see a stumbling Michael cry out and collapse on the ground. A wave of dizziness hit Thea at the same time, and she leant her back against the wall behind her. Tilly was already at her friend’s side and before Thea could blink the stranger had scooped Michael up. They hurried out of the room, presumably to sickbay. It took a few moments for the commotion to quiet down, but the rest of the room went back to their conversations.

From the next replicator a voice called, “Thea, are you alright?”

Looking up, she took in the form of Airiam her face awash in concern. “Maybe you should go to sickbay, too.”

“I’m alright,” she replied, lacking the energy to explain. “Just need to eat.” Thea wolfed down the rest of the bar, and another before the dizziness subsided.

Continuing on her way to the bridge she hopped into the turbolift, happy for the moment alone so she wouldn’t have to use the mental effort trying to come up with small talk. She didn’t have anything to spare right now.

What was up with Michael? Was she okay? Michael was her friend, perhaps she should have accompanied her to sickbay.  _ Michael is not your friend. You are  _ friend- _ ly.  _ She reminded herself.  _ She has others to support her, and they probably have a better bedside manner.  _ A pang of guilt rippled through her.  _ You need to focus on you right now.  _ Another pang.  _ Just focus on surviving. One moment at a time. _

When the door opened Thea was met with a chorus of cheers. The bridge crew looked a mess, poor things.   
  
“Thank goodness!” Lieutenant Detmer was frazzled, as she launched up from her seat towards the engineer. “My pilot controls are all messed up. I don’t know what’s wrong with it, but we can’t do anything!”

Thea rattled off a few introductory questions (did you spill anything on it? Have you turned it off and on again?), but when that revealed nothing she manually turned the controls off, assembled her creeper, and slid under the console. Grabbing a screwdriver out of her belt, she loosen the cover and analysed the wiring. _ Oh sweet, finally an easy fix.  _ Rolling out from underneath, Thea was faced with an anxious looking Detmer, who was chewing the nails on her right hand. “Burnt fuse. No problem. Luckily for you, I have a spare in my toolbox, it should only take a few minutes to change.” Detmer’s face filled with relief.

From her own desk Lieutenant Owosekun chuckled “You won’t feel Lorca’s wrath today, babe!”

Thea slid back underneath with a laugh and began tinkering. She finished up the job quick enough, and in no time she had removed the old fuse, fitted the new one, and had crawled out to carry out a reset on the console. A cascade of melodic beeps sounded, signalling the restored function, and the mood of the room immediately lifted. Allowing herself to enjoy the pleasant atmosphere, she began to pack up her tools when the turbolift door smoothly opened to a tense looking Lorca and Admiral Cornwell. That pleasant atmosphere dissolved like it was made of smoke. The captain began barking orders, and Thea’s survival instincts kicked in. Throwing a nod in the direction of her commanding officers, she slipped into the lift as the doors were closing. She’d like to be anywhere but wherever the grumpy captain was. Besides, if needed she could justify that there was probably another emergency to attend to. There always was.

  
  


It turned out that the emergency was right around the corner. Stepping out of the lift, she got a call to check over a shuttlecraft that needed engineering approval to leave the ship. It only took a few minutes for Thea to reach the shuttlebay, but to her surprise she found a seemingly well Michael gearing up to go on some kind of mission. How long had she been on the bridge? Surely Michael couldn’t have recovered  _ that  _ quickly.

“You’re looking better.” Thea tried to sound casual, but her curiosity wasn’t well obscured when she was running on fumes.

“Yeah, it’s a long story.” Michael rubbed the back of her neck, and Thea didn’t have the energy to inquire. Good, she could work with Michael, but she didn’t want her thinking they were friends.

The stranger from earlier strode up, smiling broadly, hand extended towards Thea, who shook it with a firm grip. She could actually get a good look at him from up close. He was a human male, tall, with dark hair and features, and he introduced himself as, ‘“Ash Tyler, new Chief of Security.”’ There was nothing she could pinpoint about him that seemed off, but something set alarm bells ringing in her brain, and Thea’s eyes narrowed. Nothing  _ seemed  _ to be wrong. When she didn’t respond, Tyler and Michael looked at each other awkwardly.

“Sorry, just had a busy day, I think I zoned out a bit.” Maybe it was the schedule she’d been working, or the stress of this job, surely this man wasn’t a threat to anyone. “Nice to meet you.” Lorca was a cold leader, and Thea liked him about as much as the next guy (which is to say, not very much), but he was the captain and Tyler was a Starfleet officer. There was nothing to worry about.  _ You’re just not feeling well. _

Michael laughed gently, breaking a silence, and Thea gave a forced smile.

  
  


The diagnostic of the shuttlecraft was processed. Before long Captain Lorca had appeared to give the briefing, and from her seat at the computer Thea could hear everything. She would’ve had to have worn earplugs to stop from eavesdropping. Vulcan ambassador Sarek was in danger? Logic extremists committing terrorist acts? Of course, Vulcans were particularly committed to their philosophy of unique logic, but a core tenant of that was peace. They’d gone so far as to invent the infamous “nerve pinch” just to be able to defend themselves without harming others unnecessarily. Thea found it hard to believe that a group of  _ Vulcans  _ could want to hurt anyone, let alone the ambassador, but the serious look on Michael’s face said it all. Wracking her brain, Thea remembered hearing that Michael had grown up on Vulcan.

A wave of dizziness washed over Thea. Her head pounded and her heart began to race, and Thea realised that she was dangerously close to passing out. Shoving sweaty hands into her pockets for her trusty supplies of flavourless, dry calorie bars turned up nothing.  _ Fuck.  _ Michael collapsing in the commissary had distracted Thea so much she’d forgotten to replicate more to take with her. Waiting a few moments for her sickness to subside, she slipped into the shuttlecraft to inform the captain.

Thea quickly walked past a crouched Michael and a tense looking Tilly to where the captain and Security Chief were situated, deep in conversation.

“Bring her back in one piece...” She caught the tail end of a conversation.

Tyler patted the console. “Not a scratch.”

“I’m talking about her.” Lorca jerked his head back, in the direction of Michael. Tyler’s gaze shifted onto her kneeling form. “Or don’t come back at all.”

Tyler nodded, but then noticed Thea standing behind them, eyes widening a fraction.

Lorca swiftly turned. “Xaharea. Does the shuttle have the all-clear?” He barked at her, his tone tense and scathing like she had walked in at an awkward moment. She nodded and tried to appear disinterested. Good survival instincts. If one thing was for certain she didn’t need Lorca on her case any more than normal.

“Good.” He nodded at the away team, and instructed them to keep him updated, but as he turned to leave, he called over his shoulder. “Commander, you’re with me.” An internal groan from the Yuridian, as Thea followed him into the hallway.

They walked in silence for several minutes, the only sounds around them being the ambient noise of the ship and the chatter of their crewmates, who would promptly quieten down when they noticed the captain’s brisk gate. Stepping into a lift Lorca grunted a command, Thea falling in after him. He stared at the doors as they shut.   
  
“That mission is top-secret. I expect that you will keep anything you heard to yourself.” Lorca kept his face forward and neutral. His refusal to look at her read as though she was nothing more than an inconvenience.

“Of course, sir.” She also didn’t look at him. Thea didn’t want to risk the captain thinking she cared, his air of arrogance annoyed her greatly. Of all her years in Starfleet, she heard tales of the great Gabriel Lorca, but upon meeting the celebrity she found his real life persona lacking. He was harsh, often in moods that affected the rest of the crew which made the ship run less efficiently. She trusted him as captain, but no more than was needed in order to survive on his ship, and if someone asked her if she thought he was a good leader, she would hesitate before answering.

“Good.” His response was curt, and if she didn’t know better she might have mistaken the tone for a hint of nervousness.

His implication about keeping Michael safe… was  _ strange.  _ It was strange that he’d brought her onto this ship. It was strange that he was letting her, a mutineer and criminal leave on an away mission. It was strange, and out of character, based on everything she had heard about him, but then again she didn’t know the captain personally. Perhaps he knew something that she didn’t.

A sudden wave of sickness hit her again, and this time Thea’s knees immediately buckled. There was a loud crash as her toolbox hit the ground, and the floor came towards her quickly, barely enough time to get her hands out in front of her face. The small quarters span, and her wrists were already aching from the impact. Head pounding. Stomach groaning. Dizzy. Gentle hands rested on her shoulders.   
  
“Jesus, are you okay?” Lorca’s face moving into Thea’s peripheral vision as he crouched down beside her.   
  
All she could manage was a nod. “Need food.”

Supporting her exhausted body to her feet, Thea leaned against the wall of the lift, eyes shut tight. Lorca’s arm under her shoulder in case she took another tumble. The captain made a request to the turbolift, but she could hear him very well over the blood in her ears. As the feeling lessened, and she felt stable enough to stand on her own, she detangled from him, the lift door sliding open. He’d taken them to the floor where the commissary was located. Thea looked to Lorca, who gestured for her to step out.

An incoming beep came from her comm badge, but before she could answer, the captain tapped his own badge.

“Lorca to bridge. Commander Xaharea will be taking the remainder of her shift off to rest. Reroute all engineering requests to Lieutenant Stamets.” Paul was going to be pissed to have the extra work, but Thea was grateful for the break. She tried to thank the captain, but when she had turned back to the turbolift, the doors were sliding shut and he was gone.

*

The rest had been well needed, and if Thea was honest with herself, well deserved. She’d collapsed on her bed and slept so heavily, she woke up several hours later with a sore neck. She would have traded the nightmares for the ache though, and it seemed almost too good to be true that she’d managed to sleep for so long uninterrupted by her bad dreams. Rubbing at her blurry eyes, she pulled herself to her feet, her stomach groaning. Swearing in annoyance, she replicated a few bars of food, and then several more which she stuffed in her toolbox as an emergency supply. Sick of being in her quarters, she took off. She hadn’t spent any leisure time outside of her room in weeks and she needed the metaphorical ‘fresh air’. It was well and truly into beta shift and the halls were relatively quiet as she made her way to the viewing station. It was usually empty at this time.

When she made it, her assumptions were found to be correct and she dropped onto the sofa, tucking her feet under her. She didn’t know how long she sat there, decompressing and watching the stars zip by, but some time later she felt a presence behind her, and turned to see Michael, who had returned from her away mission.

The science officer offered a tired smile, and waved a hand towards the spare seat next to Thea. Giving her approval, Michael joined her. There was no break in the silence. They simply sat in each other’s company, both too mentally exhausted to utter a single word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have constructive criticism let me know. also i added the scene on the bridge just so i could include detmer/owo ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ♡


End file.
